Ok, stormy is an exaggeration, but it's certainly dark outside...and raining a little. Ike is out of town tonight, and I'm feeling hormonal and lonely. Hmm...so this is what sends women into chat rooms online (just kidding, Ike).
So what better way to cheer myself up than to write endlessly about my children? Well, rather, my child and child-to-be.
Yesterday I registered at the big baby store for Annabelle. I won't post a link here, in case some random stranger happens onto my blog (we'll take gifts from random strangers, if you are one, but I'd rather you not know where we live). I've been putting off this registration for awhile now, just because I remember how overwhelming the experience was when I was pregnant with Jake. I just don't like huge stores. They're intimidating and full of things no one really needs...but things that are marketed so well that you think you need them when you're scanning the barcodes for a registration list. With Jake, Ike was able to come with me, so I had some help. This time, I needed less help because I knew what to look for, but I would've liked the company. I have two friends who offered to come along, but really, I only want Ike to see how indecisive I can be about something like onesies...
Of all the ridiculous times to feel guilt, I found myself feeling guilty while I registered for baby items. I found myself wishing I could do Jake's babyhood all over again, this time the right way. No, there's no rational explanation for it: I'm sure I did Jake's babyhood right the first time. But I kept looking at the baby boy clothes and wondering why it couldn't have lasted longer...I looked at the baby books and wondered why I never finished his...I looked at the toys and wondered why I didn't play with him more when he was a baby.
Again with the rational thinking: I do know I played with Jake, I do know I did what I felt I could with Jake's baby book, and I am glad Jake is a happy four-year-old boy now (instead of a non-sleeping newborn). In reality, I know that I've been a good mother to my son and that I'll be a good mother to my daughter. But the guilt I felt yesterday at the store was very real, almost bringing me to tears (gee, wonder how many pregnant women cry in that store...). I think I'm not alone with this mother guilt. I suspect that if I did a google blog search right now, I'd find dozens of links belonging to other mothers who feel guilty, despite their rational selves saying, "Enough. You're doing fine."
Rationally, I believe it. But in my most vulnerable moments (which were daily when Jake was a baby, now they're probably just weekly), I worry. Am I the mother my child deserves? Will I have enough love for another child?
Enough, Becky. You're doing fine.
(Ike, you see what happens when you're out of town??)
So what better way to cheer myself up than to write endlessly about my children? Well, rather, my child and child-to-be.
Yesterday I registered at the big baby store for Annabelle. I won't post a link here, in case some random stranger happens onto my blog (we'll take gifts from random strangers, if you are one, but I'd rather you not know where we live). I've been putting off this registration for awhile now, just because I remember how overwhelming the experience was when I was pregnant with Jake. I just don't like huge stores. They're intimidating and full of things no one really needs...but things that are marketed so well that you think you need them when you're scanning the barcodes for a registration list. With Jake, Ike was able to come with me, so I had some help. This time, I needed less help because I knew what to look for, but I would've liked the company. I have two friends who offered to come along, but really, I only want Ike to see how indecisive I can be about something like onesies...
Of all the ridiculous times to feel guilt, I found myself feeling guilty while I registered for baby items. I found myself wishing I could do Jake's babyhood all over again, this time the right way. No, there's no rational explanation for it: I'm sure I did Jake's babyhood right the first time. But I kept looking at the baby boy clothes and wondering why it couldn't have lasted longer...I looked at the baby books and wondered why I never finished his...I looked at the toys and wondered why I didn't play with him more when he was a baby.
Again with the rational thinking: I do know I played with Jake, I do know I did what I felt I could with Jake's baby book, and I am glad Jake is a happy four-year-old boy now (instead of a non-sleeping newborn). In reality, I know that I've been a good mother to my son and that I'll be a good mother to my daughter. But the guilt I felt yesterday at the store was very real, almost bringing me to tears (gee, wonder how many pregnant women cry in that store...). I think I'm not alone with this mother guilt. I suspect that if I did a google blog search right now, I'd find dozens of links belonging to other mothers who feel guilty, despite their rational selves saying, "Enough. You're doing fine."
Rationally, I believe it. But in my most vulnerable moments (which were daily when Jake was a baby, now they're probably just weekly), I worry. Am I the mother my child deserves? Will I have enough love for another child?
Enough, Becky. You're doing fine.
(Ike, you see what happens when you're out of town??)
1 Comments:
Well I will have to step in here and say that you are a wonderful mother! I have often thought to myself "wow, I wish I thought to do that with my kids" about some of the little things you do with Jake. Just thought I'd reassure you that yes, it was just the hormones talking! ;-)
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